If you go to your local startup event, you’ll hear the same terms over and over. Product market fit, growth hacking, investor alignment, etc. Not a lot about emotions. But it’s not a lack of knowledge or tactics that stops you from sending that cold email, it’s the fear of being annoying.
Here’s what nobody tells you about startups: your emotional capacity is your business capacity. Especially your ability to handle the tension of the uncomfortable emotions.
You won’t make that cold call if you’re afraid of being yelled at. You won’t raise your prices if you can’t handle the tension of being told you’re too expensive and overpriced. You’ll hide away at your day job, while signaling online about “building” because you can’t sit with the feeling of instability.
Avoiding your emotions will keep you stuck. Facing them directly and moving forward into the chaos and discomfort is what sets the winners apart from the losers.
Let’s take a look at some common emotional pitfalls:
Avoiding Rejection
For me personally, avoiding rejection was one of my biggest mistakes as an early founder.
Getting told no over and over by investors and customers hurt so bad that eventually I sheltered myself around people who I knew wouldn’t reject me.
The first focus group I did at Penji was a group of 7 girls who I tutored at UC Davis. They sat down around a table and told me how awesome our idea was. How it was amazing and we were so smart and innovative.
This felt great. I was validated. We were going to be a success and I didn’t want to talk to any other potential customers because they might not like me.
What happened? None of them became paying customers and our first launch fell completely flat.
I was so afraid of getting rejected that I didn’t seek out conversations that would actually challenge me. I played it safe and I paid the price.
Feeling Unsafe
Let’s be honest. If you’re thinking of starting a business, you’re probably giving up a somewhat stable, comfortable life path of regular employment and exchanging it for an uncertain adventure where you only eat what you kill.
You can’t sit back and rely on others for your security, you have to go out and earn it. And you might fail. In fact you likely will fail.
What kind of person would give up this security and safety?
Well, that’s why being an entrepreneur isn’t for everyone. And if you are afraid of the instability and uncertainty, you’ll always have one foot in, one foot out. Never committing fully, but toying with the idea and “grabbing coffee” with your friend to chat.
You’ll get the quick cheap dopamine, but never the results.
To build momentum, you have to face your fears of being unsafe, and look at them rationally.
When I quit my full time job, I had 6 months of living expenses saved up. The first 3 months, I earned $0 and saw my savings start to crater.
Rationally, if after 6 months I didn’t make any money, I could have gotten another job. I could have quickly gotten a job at a restaurant or coffee shop to pay the bills and then looked for a better job.
Is failing the end of the world? No. It would set me back about 6 months.
But if I couldn’t face that fear then I would have never quit my job and never had the commitment needed to build something real.
I’m Not Enough
When I’m really doing well in life, I’ll get imposter syndrome relatively often.
To me, that’s a sign that I’m pushing myself into situations and crowds that are enhancing my development as a person.
That’s a good thing.
But if imposter syndrome takes over, I get a weird energy where I’m always deferring to other people, putting myself down, and just giving all around bad vibes.
This can also show up as low self esteem, feeling like I don’t “deserve” success, and often, procrastination.
If I’m not enough and I need other people to validate me, instead of making progress I’ll take another course, wait for the right timing, copy what successful founders do instead of trusting my own unique approach, or undercharge.
This is something that you need to root out immediately and just be who you are, where you are. I also don’t think you want a “big head” or to think more of yourself than you are, but don’t sell yourself short.
Just be yourself, right where your own two feet are.
Where do we go from here?
Your business success will reflect what’s going on inside you. If you’re uncertain, hedging, one foot in, one foot out, your business will be the same.
But here’s the thing, these issues are common. I know I’m not alone. Tons of people face them. You’re not special if you feel this way too, you’re just like everyone else.
You’re not lacing strategy, or tactics, or knowledge. In the age of information, all that stuff is cheap and plentiful.
You’re lacking the emotional capacity to sit with discomfort long enough to build something real.
And that’s the work. Not learning more, or strategizing more. Feeling more. Sitting with the tension and building your capacity to hold it.
If you can’t handle emotional tension, you won’t allow massive things to emerge in your life.
The founders who break through are the ones who stop asking for permission, stop waiting to feels safe, and who stop needing external validation to act.
They feel the fear, and charge straight into the chaos.